Sunday 26 July 2015

Through Our Saviour's Eyes

There is this little boy in Primary (Sunday School) who is your typical, distracted, mischief, doesn't listen, is constantly being told to stop talking, swinging on his chair, stop kicking the other kids know the child I'm talking about I am sure.
Usually by the end of the class he is sitting by me so I can help him to be reverent.
Yesterday however was different. *Joesph came marching into the classroom super happy. He sat himself down a chair or two away from me and flashed me a quick cheeky smile to let me know he was there. For the next 20mins or so I didn't once have to talk to him about kicking chairs or reminding him to be reverent. Instead I just watched him singing with all his heart.
We sung one last song before we went off to sharing time I can't even remember what it was. He was in charge of holding up the words for all the other kids. I just sat there watching him as he struggled to hold up this huge poster which to be honest was almost as big as he was. His smile was from ear to ear, he looked so proud of himself up there. Then my eyes began to well up with tears as I was overcome with such love for this little boy. I felt I am sure just a tiny fraction of what Our Father in Heaven feels for him. I saw him how our Saviour sees him. Not as a distractable 7 year old but one of his children, who he knows, he loves, and I am sure who he cries for and rejoices for. A child who he watches grow and who he saw that day and he was singing his little lungs out to a song about a chestnut tree.
As we left the room for Sharing Time I pulled him aside a little and told him how proud I was of him and how special he was. He looked at me like I was crazy but whatever. I know that, that small experience will stay with me for years to come. It is such a comfort to me to know that our Saviour and Father in Heaven know us, that they know everything there is to know about us. Where better place to turn when we are feeling lost or alone that to the comforting arms of a loving Heavenly Father who knows us best.

Wednesday 15 July 2015

The Thing About Death

We recently just returned from New Zealand. Our trip was bitter-sweet as we went to farewell my Nana. We arrived on the Sunday four days before she eventually passed. When I walked into her hospital room after a gruelling day of travel I didn't break down and cry as I saw her fragile body, a mere shell of who she was when I last saw her 2 months prior. It surprised me. I quietly questioned myself. Why wasn't I upset? why was I ok with this? 
I sat there with one of my cousins for the next couple of hours talking to her, holding her hand, and stroking her cheek. This was even more confusing to me. I am not an overly affectionate person, unless its my husband or kids. I will not be the the first one to be all touchy touchy. I rarely hug my own mother without it feeling strange. Not that I was deprived of affection as a child or anything, anything but that. I don't know what my issue is there! So for it to feel so natural and calming to comfort my Nana like that confused me to no end. Why was I acting like this? it wasn't me. 
We talked so openly about death. I told her that under no circumstances was she to die on my birthday later that week. She promised she wouldn't but she totally backed out on her word and did it anyway! We made plans for her to send our future babies down to us. My cousin and I both put in orders for little girls next. We talked of baby names and planned out what kind of sign she would give us from the other side to let us know when she was around. 
For Sarah and I Nana was the only Nana we had ever known. We were extremely close, this should have been harder, but it wasn't. 
As the next few days progressed and she slipped further beyond the veil and her breathing became laboured and she begged for it to be all over I had never wished someone to die more than I did in those last couple of days. I didn't think it would ever feel so right to wish someone to go, especially my Nana. My Mum and Aunty had kept a vigil beside her bed 24/7. When Mum rang at 11;30pm and told me it was over it wasn't a rush of grief that overtook me but of relief. 
The following few days the momentum carried us through, still surprisingly few tears. I was waiting for it to hit me but it never came. We cleaned out Nana's house (she hadn't actually lived in it for 10 years) and then it began to hit slowly but surely it was coming. As we went through pulling things out of the cupboards and draws the memories came back, flooding back. 
The realisation that the memories were finished and there would be no more was setting in. How could a this big piece of my life be gone? and what was I going to fill it with? Would my children remember this woman that loved them so much? Sure they remember her now but would they be able to hold on to those memories. I cried for them, for the loss that they don't even realise. 
Four weeks following her passing I loaded my three kids back onto a plane to come home. The morning we left was hard. Probably one of the hardest so far. It was definitely the most I had cried anyway. When Grand Graeme rang to say he was coming to say good bye I went into the bathroom and cried, cried like I hadn't been able to yet. The fact that I was going home meant it was all over. How could it be over? I wasn't ready for it to be over yet. How could I leave Grand-Graeme? this old man who had lost his best friend, he most cherished companion? Saying good bye to him was like saying good bye to Nana. 
When I returned home and put my kids into bed, there sitting on their beds were the little Bunny Rabbits Nana had knitted them a few months prior. It warmed my heart to see my kids cuddled up with them, knowing exactly who made them. As I placed Ammon in his bed there laid his beautiful blanket so lovingly crocheted by Nana (with one arm no less) as she hurried to finish it before he was born fearing she would never complete it before her mortal journey was through. 
I think of her every day, some days its constant. I want to ring her to tell her all the boring things that are happening. I hope she died know how much I loved her and admired her. A few days before she passed she told my mum that her beloved charm bracelet was to be split between her two great grand daughters. I wear Lili's charms everyday as a reminder to me of how close she really is. 

Death changes you. You don't know how it will effect you until you are right there in the middle of it. My expectations of how I would handle it were completely off. It stirred something inside of me that I never knew I had. I am so thankful for the memories. The greif I imagine will go on for a long time to come. I feel it in waves. Whenever I hear a song we loved, or find a hand written note, or see her number on my phone. So for now, I will find my new normal and figure out how in the world I will fill the space she has left, though I doubt it will ever be filled.

Time to Get Back on Track

It has been so so long! Last time I posted here was the when I was half way pregnant with baby number 3. Well he arrived! He is now a chubby 6 month old. We called him Ammon. I have been posting more regularly over at our normal family blog though so I am not completely useless.

Maybe I'll just give an update on where were all are and then we can get back to regular posting tomorrow.

Me: I am still loving being at home with my kiddos, wouldn't have it any other way. Life is a whole lot crazier now with 3 kids. I don't know how easy I had it with just two...not to mention just one! We are in the process of building our first home which "should" be finished some time in the New Year but we shall see. I have been excitedly buying little bits and pieces to decorate with and replace our old worn out things with.
My cousin and I just started our food website, it is still in the very early stages though so not ready for viewing properly yet. On the topic of food, our new house has a HUGE HUGE HUGE oven. That was my one must have, oh and a dishwasher. I think I'm going to be in heaven.
Oh yes big development in my life....After having a learners permit for 9 years 7 months I FINALLY sat my actual driving test. I passed with flying colours whoop whoop yey me! My husband is super stocked too.

Aarahi: Nothing much changes with this man. He is about as steady as can be, We were recently apart for 3 weeks which was horrible. It is so true the saying that "you don't know what you have until you don't have it any more" or something like that.

Auron: Oh my reliable, obedient, faithful Auron. He is the calm in my life. The only time you will see Auron lose the plot is if he is super super tired. He is a big 4 year old now and loves to be the big brother. especially to Ammon. It is so sweet to see the bond that has already formed between the two of them. I think they are going to be inseparable as the years progress. At the moment Auron and I have developed a love for reading chapter books together. Our current fix is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He hasn't seen the movie yet so it is all new and wonderful to him. I love that he can imagine it in his own mind without preconceived images of how everything looks.

Liliana-Mei: You can't have the calm without the storm and Lili continues to be my storm! Tonight she went to bed with no dinner (don't worry she wasn't starving) because she simply refuses to ever eat dinner, so I had enough of babying her and the dinner time nightmare and told her she had until Daddy finished his dinner to start eating or she would be off to bed. She is stubborn to the point of almost sending be bonkers. But right at the moment when you think she is going to send you toppling off the cliff she will melt your heart and you would never imagine she was just about to have to admitted to the loony bin. She is the most loving and affectionate kid and I love spending time with her. She is always first awake in mornings so we always have early morning cuddles in the dark. I took her to see the Minion movie a few weeks ago and she still thanks me multiple times a day. I love that she appreciated that special trip so much. She tells everyone about it.

Ammon: He's a pretty chilled out baby. He had a double ear infection last month and we had no idea because he wasn't even grumpy. He is my best sleeper...I think I deserve one by now. He had his first plane trip last month and is set to be a frequent traveller just like his siblings. I think he looks a lot like Auron when he was a baby, sometimes I have to have a double take in photos, epecially since they are often wearing the same clothes.

So that is us. All up to date and I can't wait to start blogging properly again.




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